My Living Testimony.
- holydan86
- Jul 5
- 13 min read
The storm that tried to kill me… I will never forget it. But, I have survived and learned from it.
It all began in August of 1992 (Well, actually, my story began in 1986), and we were in the middle of hurricane season, living in Florida. I remember the night prior, watching the news with my mom, who was in horror to what was coming. It was headed straight for us, and it was anticipated to be the worst hurricane that hadn't been seen in many years. Hurricane Andrew. I can remember like it was last night. My 3 older brothers, mom, dad (who passed when covid started), and my now late grandmother were all hiding in the closet. The storm was getting closer and closer, and we could hear the howling winds (a sound one never forgets), while feeling the rattling of the house and ground beneath us. Then, in my curiosity (and I really had to use the restroom), I went off to the restroom, only for a second. But in that short time I did my business, as I was about to leave the restroom, I looked back for a second. In the blink of an eye, if I had been just a little bit further in the restroom, I would have been crushed by the ceiling that suddenly caved in before my eyes. As it all happened, I felt myself being taken up by a peaceful presence… the arms of my mother, and the protection of God.
Something clearly wanted to ‘take me out’ that day, but he (my adversary) missed his opportunity. For now.
I grew up into a pretty chaotic time within my family. My parents were at each others throats, two of my 3 older brothers picked on me to no end, and I had a really rough childhood overall. At the age of around 9-10, my parents finally split up for good after a 20+ year marriage. This took place after we moved to New Mexico. I think part of this is what caused my mental state to go downhill rapidly. No, my parents are not at fault, but I firmly believe that what I was about to go through would do a lot of mental damage to me into my teens and young adulthood. I remember the first time I went to a mental institution... I was pulled away from my mother by the state, because a teacher at school said I 'belonged there', because I wouldn't 'behave' in class. This followed two more institutions into my teens, which didn't help me at all. They had me hopped up on mind-altering drugs, and programs meant to 'help' me become 'normal'. All of this, in reality, hardened my heart and made a lot of my upbringing really difficult on my mother because I became bitter, resentful and arrogant towards life in general.
During my early teens, I had a lot of fun with rodeo. I did barrel racing for about 4 years. I spent a lot of time doing this with my mom and a lot of other friends growing up. While I never really placed or won in anything, I felt free doing it. It is one of my best past times (I really wanted to do bull riding, but my mom would never let me.... sigh).
When I was around 14 or 15, I went to live with my father because I was just causing too many problems for my mother because I HAD become rebellious. I found out rather quickly that I did NOT get along with my father. We moved a lot. Things always had to be done his way, which most of the time, was very manipulative. And I ended up finding out later on into my adulthood, that he was doing things with parts of my financial and emotional life that I was simply too naïve to notice. He used me. But, I forgave him. We didn't agree on a lot, but at least we could have a conversation, and especially if we ever got the chance to go fishing, we got along in that just fine. I loved my dad, even though we butted heads a lot. I miss him a lot, but he is no longer suffering.
After some years of going in between my father and my oldest brother, living with both of them back and forth (depending on which one felt bad for me in my current condition at the time), I ended up struggling to finish school and get on my own feet. I never finished school (I did eventually get my GED), because I got so caught up in looking for work and trying to just be like my 'successful' older brothers. This gave me a broken perspective on life, and it hardened my heart a lot more. I went through programs like Job Corps, etc and never finished them (I was close with Job Corps, but got into a fight with a guy treating a woman wrong, after he spit in my face). I would always make a dire mistake and blow it all because of my pride, arrogance and refusal to learn and grow. I spent a lot more time doing this as I became an adult, and a lot of people got tired of me. Especially my family. I didn't blame them at all, because I had used up my chances and burned a lot of bridges due to my foolishness and stupidity. I simply didn't want to 'grow up' and become an adult to take responsibility. I thought I had 'all of the answers'. I thought I understood life more than them.
I had spent a lot of my life going to church with my family while I grew up. Just being a 'church goer', but also reading the bible on almost a daily basis. I have always had a deep passion and curiosity for the Word, and always found myself in it as often as possible. Shortly before I gave my life to Christ back in 2008 (21, going on 22), I was on my lunch break at work. During that moment, I watched as a man come up and sat down next to me. He was clearly homeless by his appearance and stature. We began talking about my life, my faith and what I believed about God and the bible. The man handed me a card with a picture of Jesus holding up a man for dear life. The man in the card has a hammer in one hand, and nails in the other. The man looks like he has no strength left, and was ready to give it all up. Jesus is holding on to him like He will NEVER let him go. This picture I still keep in my wallet to this day in order to remind me that Jesus will never give up on me. The man looked me in the eyes and said: “Now is the time.” He got up and left, but I immediately chased after him, only to find out that not even a second later after he turned the corner, he was gone. Nowhere to be found. That was clearly not a man I was speaking with, and I will never forget the encounter. To this day, I have learned to remind myself that not everybody I meet is merely a person, but possibly a messenger sent by God in order to test me, or get my attention in ways I never imagined. About a year later, I gave my life to Christ.
I finally gave my life to Christ shortly before I married the first woman I ever fell in love with. I waited until the age of 22 before any of it. But while I was on fire for Jesus as a baby Christian, my marriage was in chaos. I married somebody I never took the time to get to know, and ended up within a family that was narcissistic and manipulative. We were only married just under 3 years. And while I thought I did love her, I know the relationship started on inappropriate terms, that God was clearly not pleased with. God had to show me the hard way. Our marriage ended on very bitter terms and a lot of bridges were burned. This also ruined any relationship I could have with my only child, even 16 years later. Also making me bitter towards women in general for a long while. I did not hate women, but I struggled with opening up to them for many years, because I simply had massive trust issues.
Shortly after the bitter failure of my marriage (which brought many years of trauma with it), I went back to live with my father in Florida. I got my GED and went to looking towards moving forward with my life, but still being in deep bitterness and sorrow from being away from my son (being labeled a failure, a deadbeat and many other things, while illegally being kept from him). I ended up making one of the worst decisions of my life (which really, turned into a massive blessing in the end). My father was an alcoholic. One night, he was smacking his lips while drinking. I kindly asked him to stop, which he replied to me with a LOUDER smack of his lips. In my anger, I took the drink out of his hand and all of the alcohol in his cabinets, and began dumping them down the drain. I didn't realize that his reaction would be one of insanity, just as he showed to my mother. He tried to kill me. And in self defense, I had to harm him (in self defense) to save my own life. But because he was elderly (65 at the time), I was arrested and put into the system. I spent 4 months in jail (which felt way longer). My father never pressed charges on me (Thank God), and if he had, I would be serving a 20+ year sentence right now. The ONLY One that kept me sane while I was there, was God, what faith I had and spending time with other fellow believers in the Word as often as possible. It was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever faced to this day, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
After I got out of the system, I went into another program. The Broward Outreach Center, for those fresh out of jail, or those caught in a homeless situation. It was thankfully faith based. While I was there, I met up with an individual who was going to start a ministry. I followed him as if he were Christ himself (which was a horrible mistake). We finished the program together, and went our separate ways for a while. When we met up again, he put me to work (which I never got paid for, to this day). I designed a website from scratch. I created over 100 videos that were all scripture based, having to do with the ministry and his book, and I was blessed, but naïve with a man who was into the rich lifestyle and being around rich women or people with power. Everything was provided. And I followed this man, yet again, as if he were Christ himself. But I began noticing the red flags. The signs that he was not all he was making himself out to be. I followed him even up to the point of homelessness and possibly even going back to jail, or worse. But when I saw his true colors, his gambling addiction, his narcissism, his abuse of power and his anger, the Holy Spirit guided me out of there safely. It crushed me. My faith took a massive downhill spiral. I no longer trusted many Christians (or people in general), and wanted it to just be me and Jesus from now on. But I didn't realize that the whole 'lonewolf Christian' thing simply doesn't work. I would find this out some time down the road. During that time, I began writing my first book (of which now, I have published 12 books).
Fast forward to 2017-2018, I find myself in a position where I have absolutely no direction in life. I was still carrying the guilt of a failed marriage, being stripped away from my one and only son who I only got to spend 8 months of my life with, and feeling like nearly 30 years of life were wasted. I had spent the past several years after the failed marriage just trying to get my life back together, and do what God needed me to do. But there always seemed to be a ‘storm’ out to get me, no matter how close I was to God or how much faith I had. I was nearly ready to give up. I had a burnout on my faith in Christ, and my hope for life. I was just 'going through the motions' at this point in my walk with Christ, and I didn't care about consequences. I had just come out of a 1 year ‘relationship’ with a toxic, sex addicted, multiple personality disorder woman, who used me up in ways I didn’t think I could be used. I was feeling burned out, dead inside, and really just didn't want to wake up anymore every single day. I was burned out on life, and the storm from so long ago just didn’t want to ‘leave me be’ for once. I was a shell of myself. I didn't know what I believed anymore, and I was surprised towards anybody who had any compassion or pity for me. I had a deep hatred for myself, and it ended up spilling out towards others at times. Not because of a hatred for them, but because I didn't want to believe any love was left for me with what I had done in my own life. I was even at the point where I believed God was disgusted with me. I still struggle with this at times. Accepting His forgiveness.
My mother, the peaceful arms that scooped me up out of destruction so long ago, came out to visit me at the end of 2018, right at Christmas. She took her entire vacation to spend a week with me (which in my eyes, simply wasn’t enough). She then looked for a local church in the area of Arizona I live in still to this day. We went to Christmas services there, and I was very reluctant. I didn’t feel like opening up to anybody. I had been used, abused, tossed to the side, considered the scum of the earth and looked upon as a monster by my ex-wife, peers, as well as others I once placed great trust in. I had been used by previous churches as well. I was a ‘lone wolf’ Christian for many years. I didn’t feel like trusting anybody. But, the people at this church treated me like I was a sibling who found his way home. And though I began attending this church, and then immediately serving, I was still reluctant. I slowly, yet surely, opened up to people who, again, were nothing but kind, loving and caring towards me. They treated me like family. They treated me like I was a born again child of God, and not what my past did to me. The more I opened up about my struggles and my past, the more I was offered help and guidance. I joined Celebrate Recovery in February of 2019, went through it for a season before feeling encouraged and inclined to lead my own group as God saw that I was ready. God opened many doors to me through CR, and through the people I had met in and through it. I found a ‘calm’ in the storm of my life, and a place of refuge from the ‘storm’ that has been trying to ‘take me out’ since that dark day, so long ago, and all throughout my life.
I used to believe I was useless, worthless, and a mistake. I convinced myself that God could never use me, because I was the very 'thing' others proclaimed me to be. But now, I have a deep and burning passion for writing, people and community. I desire to go on outreach in my community and work with other churches and believers in order to truly bring the community together in unity towards Christ Jesus and one another. I have been around it all in seasons of my own life. When I was homeless for a short season, I saw people shooting up, passing out, talking about ending their lives because nobody showed them love, forgiveness or anything of Christ. They attempted to 'fill the void' in their hearts with anything BUT Jesus, and it broke my heart to see it every time. I had been there, in that deepest pit with the feeling that nobody actually cared at all. Just because I had a severe gaming addiction at one time didn't mean I couldn't relate with others. In my eyes, all addictions are the same. They attempt to fill the 'void' in the heart, with something other than Jesus. To replace the pain, with vanity. To replace the hurt, with a 'quick fix' which ultimately kills us, day by day. Jesus offers us something far better... life. Not just any life, but a life with purpose, meaning, GUSTO!
Fast forward to 2026, after going through more poor choices in 2021-2024 (getting cat-fished by a supposed 'good church girl'), anger issues, deep sorrow, my son (now 16) being turned against me because of my faith, had seasons where I almost ended my life because everything just crashed down, another time of homelessness, went through a Christ-Centered program that got me off the streets, published 12 books, serve on the same program I went through, am involved in homeless outreach, work with the city and so many other doors that God has opened that I did not expect, I can honestly say that Jesus has always been faithful. He is teaching me to love, be selfless, be a poured out vessel for His glory and to encourage and prepare others for the end of the age, while coming back to the simplicity of Christ Jesus (John 14:6, John 14:26, John 16:13).
God saved me from the ultimate danger of my life... myself. And as a New Creation in Christ Jesus, I feel honored that my King and Lord would even consider using me at all for any task, whether it be cleaning toilets, making a snack pack for an unsheltered person, sweeping up trash, hanging up donated clothes, washing dishes or some other thing that I do all for the glory of God.
If you made it this far into the testimony, I encourage you to CLING to Jesus and to trust Him. He is the ONLY ONE WORTHY of following and living for, and in the long run, He is the only One who sees, knows and will answer for the glory of the Father.
He is the AUTHOR and FINISHER of our faith, the GOOD SHEPHERD and the One who fully knows us beyond measure. Repent and believe while there is still time.
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